I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Randomize
