i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
