i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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