Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
