Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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