now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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