I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
