i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
