just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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