When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
