the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize