First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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