Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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