her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
