that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
