i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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