I showed him my bush... on skype.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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