it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
