Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
