i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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