I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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