The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
