he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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