Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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