Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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