so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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