So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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