I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
