dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
