Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
