How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
