new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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