The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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