I met the friendliest cop last night
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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