im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
operation harelip BJ is a go
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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