my sisters under your porch take her home
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
