so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
