Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
