Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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