I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
