I met the friendliest cop last night
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
