Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
