Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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