it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
