Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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