If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize