you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
