Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
