She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize