Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
