A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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