eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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