Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
