Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
