My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
