woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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