I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
