New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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