i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
