Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
