The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
