Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize