new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
