I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
