I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
