filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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